It’s taken me a while to write this post, not really because it’s that difficult to write but more that I haven’t had time to put my toughts together. Last weekend, I had a crisis of sorts. We were in Tuscaloosa and the game was a 7 pm kick so it would be next to impossible to see any of the game and get Charlotte back home for her bedtime so we asked our former youth minister (who now minister’s in Tuscaloosa) if he knew of a girl in their youth group that would be interested and he set us up with a sweet junior. She was so sweet to come help us out and I know that Charlotte had a good time, but…. she called me Ma’am.
Now, I’ve had other people call me Ma’am before, my cousins Sam and Abby forget my strict rule NOT to use Ma’am and call me that fairly regularly. The real problem came when I mentioned how much it hurt to Jason and then my parents and then they started reminding me of things.
Like that this girl was born in 1994, the year that I turned 10!
And how I felt about (now I know to be) young parents when I was 16 and babysitting. I thought they were so GROWN UP and that they had everything together!
But even those things were ok to deal with. It really started to make me uncomfortable when I realized that I really am a grown up. I have a 16 month old daughter. I’ve been married for four years. I worked in the workforce for three years before giving it up to stay at home with Charlotte. We have a house and bills and have purchased two cars for ourselves. We have dealt with debt and mortgages and car payments and living off a fixed income. I have things like a steam cleaner, a handheld vacuum, and a washer and dryer on my Christmas list. I’m a GROWN UP!
And that makes me nervous because when I think of grown up’s I think of people that have it all together. I never dreamed that when I was a grown up that I would still struggle with insecurity and childish behavior and jealousy and mood swings. I thought I would be this put together woman who handled everything with poise and never let anything bother her.
I guess I figured that since I don’t have everything figured out that I wasn’t a grown up. That I didn’t deserve to be called Ma’am yet because that means I’m a responsible adult who knows what she’s doing in life and I am SO NOT THERE!
This weekend I realized that just because you’re a grown up doesn’t mean that you have things figured out. I don’t know what I’m doing some days and I definitely don’t know what I’m doing in the future. My life revolves around changing diapers and coloring and laundry and dishes these days and for right now it’s ok to have a little uncertainty hanging out there. I’m starting to accept that I probably won’t have things figured out by the time I’m 30 or 40 or 80 but part of life is the process and the learning and the leaning on God when we don’t understand.
So now I’ve decided that I can be a Ma’am. I’m ok with it. Because benig a Ma’am means that I get to be a Mommy and a Wife and so many other things that I wouldn’t change for anything.