A Mother’s Question

My fingers rose and fell as she drew breath.  As I ran my fingers over her Dalmatian covered shirt, I could feel her ribs poking me as she giggled at her Daddy.  Her long brown hair tickled my nose as she rocked back and forth smiling at how silly Fancy Nancy was.

What if it had been her?

She asked me to carry her to bed and I said ok.  I felt her legs dangle against mine as she laid her head on my shoulder.  When I tried to put her down in her room she wouldn’t let go and I sat down with her in my arms and rocked back and forth.  As she started repeating her favorite line from her current favorite book I started to cry.  All I heard was “I love my Mommy” and all I thought was,

What if it had been her?

What if I had dropped her off at school today for show and tell on the letter of the week or in her jammies for Polar Express day?  What if she had been slow to get ready and I was frustrated with her and ready to make use of my “me-time”?  What if she hadn’t wanted to go to school but I walked her in anyway and told her I’d get her after school?  What if I dropped her off while she excitedly talked about visiting Santa or baking cookies or Rudolph or books or sparkly cheerleaders or anything else that makes her happy and I just smiled and told her to have a good day?

What if it had been her?

I am thankful that it wasn’t.  And I’m heartbroken for the Mom’s who can’t say that tonight.

The last I heard there were twenty children killed today in Connecticut.  Twenty five and six year olds in Kindergarten whose lives were taken away by a young man.  Twenty sets of Mom’s and Dad’s who don’t get to go back and re-do this day.  They don’t get to tuck their child in bed tonight and listen to their prayers.  They don’t get to feel their tiny arms around their neck as they whisper “I love my Mommy.”

As I sat rocking our little boy tonight and praying, I had a hard time finding words.  There is no reason behind tragedies like this and there is no way to make sense of them.  I found it hard to know what to pray and so I just started repeating truths that I know.

God is good.
God is still on his throne.
God is always in control.
God has already won the battle over death.

God forgives.
God’s peace is for all who ask for it.
Jesus’ blood covers all of our sins.
Only God knows what’s in each of our hearts.

And later, as I sat snuggled on my bed, with my arm around my little girl and my head on Jason’s shoulder, I cried out to God, “What if it had been her?”

And I heard in my heart,

“She would be with me.”

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2 Comment

  1. Reply
    Ben and Christen
    December 15, 2012 at 2:12 am

    Beautifully written.. I’ve fought back tears often today asking that same question. Love your post!

  2. Reply
    Mrs. Jones
    December 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Beautiful. I’ve been deep in thought and all I keep coming back to is that we live in a fallen world. It breaks my heart.

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